Fish 'n Subs

Some fish belong to saltwater, but, they are not pre-salted on my plate. Those wonderful little Sodium-Potassium pumps! They belong in that environment yet it does not permeate their beings. I will not delve into piscean physiology because I recall very little at this point, and my understanding (when I knew a lot more) was quite muddy. I passed the class with and A so there! On the other hand submarines are aquatic, but they are foreigners. Though water is their environment, they are made to keep it away from whatever they contain.

A friend brought up something I have cradled for ages - I can sit with people and have a 'blast' yet upon observation it is mostly an act. I am in reality usually quite uninterested in the whole affair. Looking back on my social life, this has been the norm. Most of the time I have spent with my peers has been thus lukewarm. Sickening! I am hesitant to confess, therefore, that I participate in events I do not entirely agree with. I think drunkenness is foolish, dirty jokes are dirty (though rarely funny), the whole party, sex, drugs and profanity culture that is endemic to my peers is juvenile. So when I went out with my workmates, I went only because I was invited. I knew I would be bored, yet I faked enthusiasm. Yes, at times I enjoyed myself. Rarely and not enough to warrant repeated attendance. I was social because it was expected of people like me (whom other people liked), I think I wanted to know if we could relate. People find me funny, I am! So as to keep them away from me. There is no intimacy with a joker. That's why I am funny, one would think all the sarcasm were be a hint. Hmm?

There are people I find engaging, I wish there were more of them. I wish the few were geographically closer or at least able to talk a while every week or so. Our lives are so tied up elsewhere. The resulting advantage is that the times we do speak are special.

I kept away from the from-work-to-the-bar outings. I avoided all the parties and the like. Now I am not invited and part of me misses it. I am lot less chatty now, what would it be like if I went out with the crew again? Would I be the quiet snippy one on the end, or I would pick up were I left off? I have a tendency to conform to societal expectations. (I am disgusted by this too!) Unlike the fish if I were in saltwater I would be salted on the plate or drying rack, whichever came first. I assess the situation and behave 'appropriately, politely'. Why is this? Back to my friend, our question for the day could be relayed as such; "Were/What is our joy/happiness/contentment? Does it even exist?" It seems for most of our lives we have participated in many things and for some reason feigned enjoyment. Or maybe we just cannot have fun? Whatever the answer, we are horrible at being fish. If we do not fit in this aquarium, may it mean we are made/developed for another? Are we even fish?

The submarine is part of this because I desire to be in the water but away from it. In the sub I can be a sober, not laugh at your crude joke, speak "Rated E for Everyone" and be fine. I can be me, inappropriate and impolite but it is OK because by entering the sub, I have proclaimed, "I am not with you guys. I can open the air lock for you, but no fish foolishness allowed here!"