Fight or Flight

"...whenever it feels like I'm in too deep I am reminded I am in You.  And the storms that threatened lie beneath your wounded feet."

I asked my Facebook friends what they do when life was terrifying.  They did not respond.  As I ran today I thought of the fear I have of graduate school.  The 'next big thing' in my life at this point.  Classes start on Tuesday and I am scared.  I sat in orientation yesterday and like the songwriter quoted above I clearly felt I am in too deep, I have bitten off more than I can chew.  Yet the Lord started preparing me for this new adventure a month ago.

My wife reconciled our book shelves, big two year anniversary step.  I found myself repeatedly drawn to the book Brokenness: The heart God revives by Nancy L DeMoss.  I started reading it and so many things she writes about are ringing true to me.  I see the pillars of pride in my life and long for the Lord to bash the lot.  One lesson I already wrote about was concerning how much I had to offer when I taught the Word.  The next stage is how much I have to offer academically and financially, my self-dependence.  

I am not a brilliant student, but I get results.  I work hard for most of my grades.  Many get better grades with less work, those are brilliant students.  I do not feel like I know much until I am questioned, then knowledge (and I am sure some trash) gushes out in response.  With this under my belt, the things I heard in graduate school orientation left me feeling puny and inadequate.  The same way I felt at assembly in first grade as I wet my pants from fear; utterly helpless.  So I came home, told my wife what I had learned, asked my FB 'friends' for advice and went to sleep.

I ran today and contemplated my fear.  I thought of the fear response in nature - Fight or Flight.  Some animals roll into a ball, freeze, play dead, run and yet others will fight to the death (honey badgers come to mind - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c81bcjyfn6U)  What, then is my response to fear?  And what should my response be to fear?

In short, I should ever respond to fear by running to Christ.  Not by standing to fight in my own strength.  As the Korahthites wrote in the 44th Psalm, "...I do not trust in my bow and my sword...But You give us victory over our foes...We boast in God all the day long."  David in the 11th Psalm writes, "In the Lord I take refuge; how can you say to my soul, "Flee like a bird to you mountain..."?"  So I will run to the Lord, He is my refuge.  Where else can I go?  I am not going back to my idols.  TV and games, even books are just distractions.  They benefit nothing!  I have no wealth with which to buy my way out of difficulty.  My good looks never took me anywhere.  I have nothing.  I will say it louder, in case anyone missed it, I HAVE NOTHING!!  But God...and that is who I need.  He is all I need.

How can you say to me fly like a bird because someone is hiding out to shoot you down?  Actually, I will fly, but to the Lord.  My Shepherd and He will provide for me.  He will see me through it.  If there will be a fight, His sword will swing for all 3 years and more.  Through the fat and the thin, He has done it before.  Go on, bring the pain!!

http://ccmiddleriver.org/mp3/2010/01/2010-01-03.mp3

Response to Brokenness 1 - God draws near to the broken

Nancy L DeMoss shared a story in this section that I can relate to.  She was tired, yet she had a conference to lead.  Once she made it there after spending time with the Lord asking if she should go, asking for strength and all; she says she could have told them she had avoided all the 'Pitfalls of ministry.'  She did not, she humbled herself before the Lord (roof off) and before the people (walls down) and I think she had a brilliant time.

Here is my story; back in the day when I taught the Word I was not always as prepared for the study as I should have been.  This was a problem especially when I was in college, teaching a Uth group, a co-ed college group and had a guys study.  There was a lot going on at the time.  Sometimes I tried hard, and others I just did not for a myriad of reasons.

I ironically found that the best studies were the ones I was inadequately studied for.  Once the deadline was up I was on my face before the Lord pleading for something to say.  When all was said and done I think He was kind enough to bless the people.  He fed them in spite of my poverty.  And I gleaned something too.  It was pleasantly thrilling,being a conduit, saying things I was sure I knew nothing about, things I may have remotely mused on but had conclusions and advice spilling out - and I had no clue!  I said to myself, "this should never happen again."  It did, many times.  All the time it was a humbling experience, how the Lord would use an inadequate vessel.

Thinking back on it now, yes it was irresponsible not to study.  The Lord came through for His people.  One of the reasons the studies were so good was because I came to them empty and humble.  I had nothing to offer, and I knew it.  When I studied I felt I had something to offer, in my subconscious I said, "Listen to what I have to say to you," not so much what the Lord had to say.  On the surface I was submitted to the Lord, but I do not think I was.  I am convinced I wasn't.  Except for those days when I had nothing to say, then I was submitted out of necessity.

The honest part was that I did not want the Lord to look bad, I am sure I am/was a bad teacher (I didn't study!  HELLO!); no need to convince me of that part.  So I could earnestly say, "Lord your name is at stake here."  And He heard that.  He showed up and fed His flock through me, in spite of me.  Those are the teaching people spoke of for days.  Maybe they did stick to the good ones then huh?

I have not taught for at least a year.  So much had been worked on in me.  If I ever teach again, I pray I will always be in a humble state of mind, "Lord it is not me.  It is You.  I have nothing to offer.  You do.  Your name is at stake."

"Take me, break me, mold me and use me.  I want to do thy will oh Lord..."

The Yellow jacket

I do not place special significance on creatures of any shape or size.  I am curious to know how we got the eat those we eat and why we do not eat others.  They were all created for our consumption (if we so choose), to help us with our work (if they can be broken) and others are just to marvel at.  Not to be abused, tormented or killed on human whims.

I sat down to lunch, the new cafeteria has a decent view of mountains and suburbs hiding between the trees  Besides, the cubicle corral is cold so I eat outside to absorb some heat.  This particular day a yellow jacket came by.  It buzzed around and could not decide if my person was more interesting than the (now empty) fruit cup.  I find these (and other stinging) insects very unsettling.  I have been stung every time I attempted to brush them off.  I am not calm long enough in their presence to sit still until they leave of their own volition, especially when they get on my skin.  It is bearable on clothes.  One got under my shirt once and...let us say it did not end well for me.  But that's besides the point.


I had enough, I am not intentionally cruel to critters.  I could not handle the level of inquisitive activity carrying on about me.  When it landed on my tray I set the empty fruit cup over it.  HA!  Big brain beats stinger!  Yes, victory was mine. I returned to my meal and book.  I noticed out of the corner of my eye the wasp going around inspecting every bit of its prison.  It did this about 5 times all taking about two minutes.  After it was satisfied the most amazingly sad thing happened: it went to the very centre of the cup and it literally curled up.  It arranged each pair of legs in turn, put head to abdomen and died.  It stopped moving.  I watched it intently for at least a minute.  It neither budged not fluttered.  Nothing.  It just curled up and died!

I did not mean to kill it, I felt so guilty.  I had killed a creature that had not wronged me (yet).  I picked up the cup and the wasp did not move.  It was really dead.  I mourned for it a moment, tipped the tray over so it fell to the ground and, well, the day had to go on.  So it did.

It's all fragile see.  The whole thing, even the scary ones, and the big ones also.  Life is fragile.  Yours and mine too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:European_wasp_white_bg.jpg

Forgiven

David wrote in the Psalms, (and I paraphrase,) 'It is amazing to be forgiven.  How happy you are when you know all your errors and short comings are not held against you.'  I agree completely.  If you disagree, you need more than a head check.

Some people are forgiven and they are fixated on their shame and failure.  They go over it and over it again trying to find the 'spot' they took the wrong turn and ensure it never happens again.  They, let me say rather we are full of pride.  We appreciate the second chance, but we want to be sure this NEVER happens to us again.  We do not like to be rescued, we would rather be rescuers.  We would never be seen to want, but for some ironic reason we are riddled with need and are foolish, no stupid enough to act like we are whole.  And because we say we are fine, our shame and failure remains.

Others are forgiven and they revel in it.  They walk about believing their freedom and their behaviour shows it.  They live for that sense of being forgiven.  They may fall, but their focus is on the One who forgives all.  So they easily take His hand when they call out to Him.  They get back up, dust off and keep looking forward.  They do not continue to do wrong to enjoy the 'rush' of being pardoned.  Forgiveness is not a license to break the law.  Their errors hurt too.  Like all of us they sow (winds) and reap (whirlwinds) - their wrong doing has consequences.  But they are full of wrong, they fall, but they know to call for help, they are pardoned and they live as released debtors:  in revelry.

Most of us swing in between these two, and pray that some day we may live more evenly.  All have sinned and offended the Creator of the world.  It may not seem or sound fair, but He made it.  It's His lot, we play by His rules.  So we ought to get right by Him.  The fun part is He is willing to make us right, to forget our every fault that we may stand just as if we never did wrong if we realise, submit, ask and then follow Him.  How is that not Amazing Grace?

Conversation at work (via e-mail)

I do not know about you, but I do not fully appreciate the quality people the Lord has placed in my life.  I, for a long time looked upon this as a curse: I do not typically pick my friends, it is as if they are picked for me.  The people I would like to be my friends typically do not like me at all.  People I was iffy about, and some I plainly did not want to be seen with end up becoming the most precious people I have ever been privileged to know.  Just another assurance that my life is not my own to spend as I please, I have been bought with a price and to God's glory I sometimes go where He leads.  Most times I am dragged where He leads, and realise my benefit when I am there. If it is true that "you learn from your mistakes, then I should be a genius..."
Thanks Karen.


one of my patients "smoked one pack of cigarettes for many years"

A pack a day or one pack lasted for many years????????? 

How are you this AM….. I don't want to be here.

his record says, "smoked one pack of cigarettes for many years"

I am sure he meant a pack a day for many years, but I prefer to think he was trying to get into the Guinness book of world records for the slowest smoker/longest lasting pack.  he got COPD, pneumonia and rubbish lungs instead. even though he smoked only one pack. 

That's a weird way of writing it….  He must of gotten COPD while trying to finish the pack.

Some people smoke 1-3 pks per day… I couldn't begin to afford smoking addiction.  It would kill me to purchase one pack…at some places one pack is twice the cost of a gallon of gas.

Just noticed that I am not working very hard...

Why,  you have been here since early this AM

I am like the guy smoking one pack in years…here for 4 hours and did very little…BLAST!  I struck several things off my To Do List though.  Oh well, guess I am that good huh.

I do it all so fast I do not feel it.  Yeah, I am so sharp.

Wow… no brag, just fact huhhhhh

Has your boss checked in this week?

no.  she is having too much fun on vacation.  I think she checks in when she is bored…or at least I hope she does.

Karen, I am a lazy punk!  That's all there is to it. I do not strike myself as a hard worker. Man; other lazies are rich and here I am lazy and making a 40hr a week show of it.  Life's like that ainit?

YOU ARE NOT LAZY….here you are about to start graduate school and you think you are lazy….NOT TRUE

means to an end…the ends keep me on point!  motivated does not necessarily mean un-lazy. if left to my own devices I would honestly rot in bed.  growing up I was implanted with an amazing capacity to feel guilty. I am really quite lazy, I just would rather work than feel guilty.

its very sick and twisted if you ask me!


I appreciate the work ethic my parents worked so hard to instil in me.  It sucks (from here) that I learned instead to work hard enough to please my superiors and so that I do not feel guilty for 'wasting time.'  The flip side is I cannot relax; everything I do for rest leaves me feeling wasteful.  I pray for pure motives.

Moving Pictures

In CS Lewis' book Out of the Silent planet, the narrator, Ransom meets the beings of Malacandra.  The one of the hrossa told him the life of a moment.  He said, and I paraphrase, a full moment is in three stages.  First is the anticipation, then the actual moment itself then the memory.  When all these elements are put together and savoured, then you have a whole moment.  And in our minds this can go on for ages, we can enjoy a moment for yonks.  

I find art to be the commemoration of a moment, be it a photograph, a painting, a song, a movie, play...name it.  There was an occurance that the artist decided to immortalise.  I tried to take pictures of all the wonder worthy sunsets  I saw.  My camera never did them justice.  So I tried to 'memorise' them.  Even then, memories are only so long.      

"The painter had achieved what we would all like to do: capture time and make it stand still" - Across the Nightingale Floor, Lian Hearn

Life is a bunch of moments strung together.  Some are brilliant, some are absolute rubbish.  Though we find a need to make some of it stand still, we should not be hung up on anyone instance, but rather keep moving along the continuum.  Though the current scene is the most breath taking, awesome thing ever beheld, one ought to keep moving.

A long time ago, when I was super spiritual I 'preached' to a bunch of college students.  They loved the sermon (I called them talkie-thingies to get away from sermon, it sounds too official.)  They loved it so much they spoke about it for weeks to come.  I honestly thought they did not pay attention to the other great talkies that came after because they were bent on that one.  It distressed me.  They missed out, because they found one good thing and decided to stay there.

It makes sense, with all that life throws on us, to want to spend eternity in one moment.  I stand with the hrossa on this one, a moment is not fully realised until you live through its three phases.  Anticipation (however brief), staging and retrospection.  You cannot revel in the stage forever, like manna it will grow maggots and become nightmare.  Less lofty is my immense irritation at the people who live by the adage 'high school is never over.'  Most become rotten adults.  When the moment is gone it is gone.  Holding on only ruins it.

Life is bunch of moving pictures.  They should only stop when the whole story is told.  You think you have found a 'perfect place to stop and linger' there is likely more and better things to come.  But you held on to the  thing now it is ruined.  Anticipate tomorrow, live in the present and revel in the memory of yesterday.  Anything else is ruinous.

"So I've got to keep on going..."

Like the Moon

Solomon said everything was a cycle and nothing is new.  We will jump right into this one:

She arises in all her glory - big, brilliant, ecstatic to be there.  All the world sees and adores her.  Nature reflects her glory, we howl and succumb to our madness.  The more demure just wave in the wind parading new colours.  She spends a week in revelry, yet as each day passes, her love for the stage diminishes.  She remembers her self-consciousness and all of a sudden she turns her face away.  Leaves her darling in darkness.  All the little girls that yearn for his gaze stare and bat their eyes.  They do not know, however hard they try they will never get close to him.  He is well and permanently spoken for.

She enjoys the silence, darkness - her time alone.  Away from adoration, his and ours.  No one knows what she does alone.  I will not tell, if I do she will not be so alone then will she?  What do you do when you are alone?  When you run from your loved ones to breathe free air, think your own thoughts and tend to things that are wholly you.  Things as private and crucial as washing behind your ears, or the morning gunk in your eyes.  What do you do with that time?

She comes out, and every one notices even though she tries to steal in.  She progresses in fourths.  Secretly, quietly instilling her presence in our beings, so we quickly forget she was gone.  Rather we are left with a sense that she was always there, we just stopped looking.  Yet the starkness of the dark still echoes confusion in our little minds.  Our only respite is to look upon her pale wonder.  Let your jaw hang, it is acceptable, look around, see you are not alone.
 
In another while she strides out in her brilliance to the wonder and howls of all creation.  We lose our minds for the love of her, but her eye is set on that one and none else.  "To everything turn, turn, turn..."