Let there be Light

I fancied that the Lord worked on models of all his creations.  Making sure all the flagella would work properly, and the tendons and nerves would go through the foramen and fissures.  In my mind He did this just for fun, because His first prototype was always perfect.  I am not very creative like that, I guess in my fancy (and in reality) the Lord is more than I am and all I am incapable of.

AW Tozer believes He spoke it all into being.  So His canvas was in His great mind.  His models moved at the speed of thought - God's thoughts.  When He said, "Let us make men in our own image," in the time it took to think it He had fashioned the nervous system that we are still trying to figure out.  He had worked out how potassium would move in and out of the cells, how ATP would be made, what elements would be in the human form, the immune system, the simple wonder of DNA.  Astounding, don't you think?

It gets better, He only said it once: "Let there be lights in the sky to separate day from night," and there were the sun, moon and stars.  Each with their individual properties, their secrets and mystique.  Each with their cycles for as long as He decides then their deaths.  When lesser gods speak again and again to keep things moving, the Almighty spoke once and when He speaks to the lights in the sky again it is to stop the sun, or to blot is out, it is to cast the stars to the earth.  He only speaks to change it, because the Word He spoke initially is so mighty, so eternal.

So He said, "The LORD is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and rich in love and truth, maintaining faithful love to a thousand generations, forgiving wrongdoing, rebellion and sin" (Exod 4: 6-7).  He said, "[I have] plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" (Jer 29: 11).  He who said this is faithful, He is Truth and He is Love, and He knows that you are weak and wretched.  That you are dust, doomed to fail.  But He said it all (and more) anyway.  Whenever you doubt Him, when fear overtakes you, think on these things and as long as the sun rises, the moon and stars shine, as long as day gives way to night, be encouraged - His Word is still in effect.  And by extension His love for you.

When all alone...

You know how they say "you are who you are when no one is around"?  Well I know, and they do say that.  I am a disappointment most of the time.  Just thought to share that.

Get up and go to my Father

I know the Lord is nothing like me.  He goes so far as to say "For My thoughts [are] not your thoughts, Nor [are] your ways My ways," says the LORD. For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55: 8-9).  There is no 'spot' at which the Earth ends.  One can argue the earth of the Earth, highest at Everest and so forth giving us a range.  But the 'Earth's atmosphere' is part of the Earth is it not? And it is a continuous part.  As spacecraft leave here they go through places where the atmosphere is present and gradually end up where there is no atmosphere.  How would we measure that?  Best guess would be from the place (already above the Earth) where we are sure there is no atmosphere, not wholly accurate but it will do.
Where do 'the heavens' start?  Where are 'the heavens' I often ask?  I will not venture into that one.  Have our space craft and probes made it into the heavens yet?  If they have then the Lord's statement is less lofty than it sounds and we have surpassed God's ideas by our amazing resourcefulness.  Ludicrous!!


I am repeatedly bad and disobedient.  I should get my family back into the Word, I keep putting it off and/or waiting for a spare moment and in reality there are none.  When we did it, I do not think I know how/when we did because I was busier then than I am now.  My lack of daily spiritual feeding has made me so weak I do not resist temptation.  I go at the mere suggestion of one thing or the other, it's a pathetic sight.  Yet in light of all this, I have job requests out there, I have a significant interview and a few other things for which I desperately need the Lord's favour.  If some of these things (the interview in particular) have a 'bad' outcome then we are adding hurt to our current condition. 


The Lord's Grace surpasses all my wickedness, in fact all the World's wickedness.  Just the bits I know and am party to are really really wicked, and then there are the rest, the things that I find revoltingly bad.  His Grace is sufficient for all those too!  And His Word says all His thoughts towards me are good and not evil (Jeremiah 29:11).  That makes me concurrently grateful and ashamed.  I was told to put my Hope in God, not a pay raise, new car etc.  I do not know if that translates into an action.  The morale of this story is this; do not run from His Love, it cannot be done. 


" I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants [for I am not worthy to be called by your name].”’
“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 
“But the father [said, "Nonsense my boy! and] said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry." (Luke 15:18-24). 


That is what I will do.

Of cold showers and cars

I grew up on cold showers.  It wasn’t really every day but I think on maybe half my days (until 21) I did take a cold shower.  I spent two and a quarter years at a school that had no hot water!  And I thought about this today of all days after I watched Fast 5.  I thought to myself, as I envied musclebound criminals in their fast cars, devil-may-care swaggers and canned tag lines, how come my life is like it is?  These guys live for thrill and money, what is my drive?  

I live for Christ, HE is my reward.  My portion, my inheritance.  All I have is through Him.  And all (good) I will ever be is because of His influence in my life.  

As I stepped into my warm shower, I remembered the cold ones of long ago.  One did not have a shower head. It was just a tube of cold water coming down on the concrete floor.  The bathroom was so small the water thundered.  I would approach it slowly, feigning to get under it, feet first, then shins, turn give it the small of my back and then all in!  Stay for as long as I can and step out heaving for breath and already shivering from the cold.  I would soap up very quickly, rinse and be done in 5 minutes or less!  I thought of Christ bathing in cold rivers.  Yes, that part of the world is hot, but I know cold water is cold water.  Hot water after a long day is bliss!  

I remember days when my hands knew rough wood, axes, hoes, picks, hammers and wrenches.  Now they know only computer keys, pens and remote controls.  The only time I handle wood is when I cook.  I thought of Christ working in His father's shop, maybe even helping in the fields and later touching lepers and demoniacs.  

I remember rare days when I slept on the floor, more often on a reed mat, covered by a threadbare blanket over the floor.  The days of the bed overwhelm these.  As I sit in my warm, very lush bed, I think of Christ sleeping in the woods with His friends.  He said He had no place to lay His head.

I remember walking everywhere, now I can get to IGA by any one of two cars, by motorcycle or bicycle.  My Lord rode a donkey only once.  He walked the rest of the way.  When others took boats, He walked still.

What is man that You would think of Him, to visit Him?  Who am I Lord, that You would bless me so?  

I am Your Beloved.  Undeserving, but Beloved all the same.  And this life with all its stuff, all the good in me and all my wickedness I give to You.  Lead me to lose my life for Your sake, Your Glory and Your kingdom.

Indifferent, Cynical and Entitled

We got here on the shoulders of gigantic predecessors, people who stood up to the norm.  They dared attempt to change the world they lived in.  Went with their best ideas and, SURPRISE!  They changed it.  And here we are, basking in the glory of their sweat stains.  Everything we have, we worked relatively little for.  I drove a car at 16, my dad's car.  The car he bought after he had worked for years.  He was first born of 8 children.  He was raised in a rural area, he worked the farm, herded cattle until he could start first grade.  His parents changed his birth date on his records so he could get a scholarship, went to school and eventually a teacher's college.  Married a girl he met in high school, both teachers and here comes me.  He asked me to work hard, surpass him.  As he surpassed his father who did not finish grade school.

The biggest Entitlement is the current state of the Union, a union I think I know little about.  The foundation of this country sounds great.  I will learn more of it, but, the little I know of the Founding Fathers, I went to Thomas Jefferson's house!  A man designed and built a house, 40 years it took him!  I know very few people my age who can focus on something for 10 years - we make vows we break constantly, we have dreams we abandon because it takes longer than microwave oatmeal.  I blame the microwaves.  We have ever decreasing curiosity, capacity for knowledge, capacity for pain, we have no endurance.  They say children are the future, I am terrified for the future.  After driving at 16, my (unborn) child will want his own car at that age.       It is the way it goes.  The children of this Union do not expect to work to sustain their Fathers' dreams, we want it to continue the way it has always been.  Clinton represents for my generation, the Union's high (though some would cite Kennedy and the Apollo project).  He did his thing and left it to us, we pick it up and go on. Not to spend it all, waste it and think it will just keep coming, WELLS RUN DRY, RESOURCES HAVE CAPACITY!  Our Fathers were so few it looked infinite, now that there are enough of us, we see the bottom of the barrel.  We touch it once in a while and it freaks us out.  We looked the decline and saw nothing, Entitled.

Things are bad and get worse, the few who try to change things (blasted microwaves!) do not see the change they hoped for.  It takes too long!  They give up, give in or (the fortunate) die trying.  So much of what I say with my voice is cynicism and sarcasm.  So do the rest of 'us.'  All we see is the shrinking social security checks in our distant future, the dwindling oil fields screaming, "No more road trips jerks!"  Oh the ozone layer (what's left of it) and so on and so on.  Those that work hard and pursue what once were virtues keep working hard trying to find the ends that ought to meet.  Those that play and strive for vice are on top.  They do not work anymore.
Cynical.

And so we are left determined nothing matters.  It will not change, it is rolling downhill and we will not catch the cart.  So, "Whatever.  I guess, like, yeah.  Whatever."
Indifferent.

Something has got to give,

"In times of hardship we have said something has to give, something has to move.  I find it a deux ex machina response to the unstoppable force, immovable object dilemma.  Something has got give way, move back or else the system will remain in equilibrium while both bodies deteriorate, which is a very feasible reaction.  I do not relish the idea in life however, a life in static equilibrium is an oxymoron, death is energetic equilibrium with the surroundings, any other form of static equilibrium in life scares me and is akin to some level of death.  

What I have, up to now not realised, is how often I am the thing to budge.  Many times I am looking externally for the mostly immovable object resisting my unstoppable push.  If finances, what thing can do without and still live at 'a standard I am used to'?  If time, what activities?  I am the director.  I push my amazing God-given strength around, rarely am I the thing to move, neither are my ideas nor beliefs.  

I prayed today that the Lord move me, and that I would remain conscious of this fact.  Sometimes me and my ideas are the mountain in the way of my progress, in the way of the Lord's plan.  And hardship should cause us to examine all things and see this state.  So here I am, I have this idea of God's goodness, and how He does/does not, should/should not provide for or help people.  Like Job's friends, some of those ideas need to be adjusted.  Aslan said nothing [of the Lord's hand] happens the same way twice.  I believe that.  So if this holds, then our ideas of God's interventions are old as soon as we see Him act right?  Hence our need to move on.  Scientists assume the world is orderly, meaning repeating an experiment in exact settings should yield the same result (or really close), so we found acceleration due to gravity is 9.8 meters per square second, speed of light is 299792458 meters per second, and today I weigh 132 pounds.  I do not think this same assumption is true of the Lord.  He is not entirely random, neither is He entirely ordered either.  He is (again) a conundrum.

The moral of my story is this: I get in the way of God's work by approaching my academics, sometimes finances and definitely relationships in the 'knowledge' that I can do it.  I am living with God playing my commander-on-the-hill, while I wage war in the field; (I run to Him when I am driven back, and send Him reports when I am doing well, "See I told you I could!".)  The Psalmist confesses it is not his own bow or strength that won a battle but the Lord.   The armies of the Hebrews coming out of Egypt lost their first fight, Moses had told them if go, the Lord does not go with you.  After Elisha prayed for him, his servant saw the armies of the Lord surrounding them ready to do battle.  Remember conundrum, not wholly ordered; it seems HE FIGHTS WITH US AND FOR US.  He is not far off directing.  He is Emmanuel.  GOD WITH ME, and you and all of us.  I have a time wrapping my head around God with ME, and that has got to go."

He is not like my parents when I was in boarding school, they cared for me from over there (not saying that is a bad thing).  Rather, it is as if He sent me to school but went with me, like Timmy Turner in Fairly OddParents.  I believe in Emmanuel and the Cross.  Emmanuel in the rest of my life is still suffering from stunted growth.  I have to consciously remember He is for me here, now and every time.  I am never on my own.

Doing battle

He is called the Lord of Hosts.  I like that.  The Lion, that CS Lewis' Pevensies reminded us again and again is not a tame Lion.  I like that too.  I am no warrior.  There is little of one in me.  Yet I am called to do battle daily. Beating flesh and thought into submission, resisting the enemy's wiles and fighting the good fight.  I envy the (pretend) men who long for battle and when they have one revel in it.
I do not think I can take anything from my enemy.  I say today, however that I will give him nothing.  A fictional warrior said, "Give them nothing" and another, "Show no mercy, for you will receive none."  I will give him nothing, and to my Lord everything.
That is my prayer.

Subtle enslavement

"unlike the cruel Leonidas who asks you to stand, I only ask that you kneel" Xerxes in 300

Is this the End?

He said the end will come we will know it.  Like a woman with child who shows.  He also spoke of earthquakes, volcanoes, [revolutions,] wars and rumours of war.  We are seeing these things today, one upheaval of the earth followed by another.  Earthquake in Haiti, volcanic eruption in Iceland that shut down airports for weeks, earthquake and tsunami in Japan, revolution in Egypt, almost war in Libya.  Consider this the Earth's pregnancy pains.  In the words of Red Foxx, "This is the big one!"  But is it the big one is it the end?  I think we are uncomfortable right now.  But there is room (and hence time) for more.  For the sake of those who will Hear his voice (time to hear His voice and repent), and for the ruin of those who continue not to hear (time to complete their denial of Him).  So where in our pregnancy are we?

We just passed that place when you can feel the baby kicking and are sure it is alive.  The cravings are no longer so cute.  The little twirp takes your bladder for a trampoline so much you have peed you pants at work a few times now.  He makes you eat all the time, your back hurts, you feel huge but you know there is still room to grow.  Its uncomfortable to sit, to lie down, stand up. But you know what?  It will get worse.  Remember in the movies when birthing women curse their husbands?  You are not there yet.  You can even see your toes still right?

I hope I will be gone when the cursing starts.  "I am an Escapist, you can be a Stayist if you want." - Joe Fotch.  Yep, that will be the World soon.  She is uncomfortable.  She groans, with all creation it is written, waiting for day that she too will scream for her Father and give birth to the new Earth.  It says after all this, towards the end the stars will run away.  The living will beg for death and cry for the rocks to fall on them.  All the water will turn to blood and grasshoppers will come that sting like scorpions, it will hurt like mad.  But death will not come.

The World will groan some more.  She will go through so much pain she barely lives to see it.  How can she bear a sky without stars?  Sustain life without water because of a falling star named Wormwood?  She knows this thing will kill her, but her joy for that day is enough to make her continue.  For the outcome is Glorious; the end of this old World and the coming of the New, the better, actually the Best! (consider this a very very short summary of The book of Revelations).  But I am an Escapist, I hope I will be gone by then.

In the words of Keith Green, "if God made this world in seven days, I can't wait to see heaven [which] He has been working on for two thousand years!"  And I thought this would be a gloomy entry.  Come Lord Jesus, come soon.

I am not averting my eyes and it HURTS!

We decided, my wife and I with some input from our Bible reading at the time, that we are in the Wilderness.  We have skipped forward, it is not important how we got here.  The thing is, that boat I thought I was on that may have been going the wrong way, is actually in the Wilderness.  Now late last year I decided I would not look away, I would not flinch but take it all in.  I AM DOING IT!!

It is not easy, today was probably the easiest, I got home and instead of sitting on the couch to watch violent TV I resolved to listen to the same two albums I listened to at work, song of people in hardship and reaching for the Lord.  And then I have come to write about it.

Things are tough still.  I ask about the boat often, just in case I am going the wrong way.  For one thing that works out, it seems something else unravels.  Its frustrating, its scary and its infuriating.

But the Lord is in Heaven, upon His throne.  None of this is new to Him.  It is not a surprise, He has known about it and  longs for me to come and say, "Daddy, I do not know why this is happening to me.  But I trust You and submit to Your authority. So come what may, I am Yours today and forever."

Teach me. Help me. Forgive me. Comfort me.

Poem I

do you ever feel like growth
only leads to death?
do you ever feel like looking up
only shows you the ground?
do you know that only death
makes room for life?
do you?

The boat is in the Wilderness

I asked if I were Jonah on the wrong boat.  Things are terribly uncomfortable, yet I know they are in the Lord's control.  Like the (mature) child I long to be, I am trying to constantly say, "Daddy, I trust you."  But, like the scientist I am, I would like a formula.  Steps to take in order to get full yield from my trust, but like my old friend Scott Catron said, that would be witchcraft.

And so today of all days...a while ago I prayed for an artifact of the young days.  When the 'presence of the Lord' was marked by some physical reaction.  For me it is heart racing, I literally quiver and I am absolutely cold (adrenaline does the same only I stay warm). And He answered, but He answered today. I spent the day in the pigs trough. And today He answers that request and speaks to me and through me.  I am happy He did, do not get me wrong.  I am astounded by the daring of His Grace!  I am also confused by it.  Paul argued in Romans (5:18-6:4); there is an abundance of grace, enough to more than cover all our sin.  But, in case we then (like some) think if we sin more there will be more and more grace we are mistaken.  Just because we are partakers of that over abundant grace, our lives in sin are forfeit.  We are covered by that grace only after we have died (to sin) with Christ.  And so, (Romans 6:5-11) what dead body is laying about lusting, lying and living in disobedience?  None.  It is ludicrous to think and even make that example.  That is how ridiculous the idea of sin should be to me.  But it isn't, because evidently my high aspirations are constantly thwarted by my base nature.  Who will get me out of this bind?  Jesus Christ and that over abounding Grace (Romans 7:21-25). It reads like a contradiction doesn't it?

The same man goes on (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) to say how the Lord's strength is perfectly displayed only in the man's weakness.  And it seems to my eyes, when I am wallowing in sin, I am rudely reminded of my need for Him.  When I get over my shame I go back to Him and there is a closeness that confuses me.  I was raised in a home were kind words and the like were reserved for one who was pleasing.  So it is against all I know that even at such times He would still draw/be drawn to me.  My experience before my parents knew Christ was bad behaviour led to their displeasure which led to a (spanking and a) form of social distancing. Not so with the Lord, when I am weak, at my thinnest, His strength is shone perfectly through me.  See why one would think, "The more I sin the better the whole 'relationship' thing will be"?
Of note; I usually am only so thin in some guilt or shame.  I do not think the closeness I seek should always be under those conditions.

"Lord, I long to be more pleasing to you, yet still be drawing close to You.  I know it is possible.  Lead me there.  Teach me in this time to depend on you and help me to remain dependent on You until my last breath.  Grant that my weakness would cause You to shine through me, for the glory of Your name. Make my life your billboard." 

The Good Life Bundle

In pursuit of evidence based, scientific medicine with standard, proven approaches that can be replicated the Fathers of Medicine decided to implement care bundles.  They said, "If you do this set of preventative care activities for surgery, when caring for a urinary or central line catheter, or what have you, your patient will do better.  We have studied it, we have tried it and here are our results."

In my meager understanding of science, you test one hypothesis and control for all the other variables.  Not in medicine, because Grandma's life is on the table, we tend to throw everything we had at the problem.  SO it goes away right.  Give a fever enough anti-pyretic and guess what it will go away!  But the underlying infection will not.  Anyway, I am not a doctor by the way.  I just look at their work after they are done...hence the cynicism.

I was wound up the last 3 or 4 days.  I was on the edge.  For my various reasons I went to work and focused hard on my work.  Did my school work intently and came home tight lipped, lid shut.  More school work and a few absolutely necessary words to my wife and that was it.  I prayed about it, I got paid and I was told my assignment was not due today anyway.  I am good now!  I just threw a care bundle on my problem.

Laugh with me.

I Love You

The three little words!  Or two if you prefer French, one complex word in Shona.  I grew up in a society where these three little words were almost sacred.  It was a big deal for me to tell anyone I loved them.  I was not showered by them growing up.  Before I left home, I hugged my dad all of two times and my mom maybe a dozen.  They loved me, but they never said it out loud.  The first time I remember Pops professing his love for me was over a telephone line from across the sea.

I love my wife.  I love Jesus.  I love my parents, siblings, friends, in-laws, nephews and nieces.  I love my church, my pastors.  I love music.  I love my car.  I love my motorcycle.  I love the mountains, being outside...I love warm socks.  Can you see how this word is strange.

I hear Greek has plenty of words for love - fraternal love, erotic love, paternal love and there is one that has been translated to mean 'true love' i.e. the ultimate love as shown by God.

Here is my shame: I love all of the above, yet my behaviour does not always confess my love.  Yes, I surely love my wife in the 'big' ways - I buy her stuff, I cook for her, I let her go first, have the bigger piece, I listen to her and respect her whole being.  How about when I talk smack about her to my friends?  Or when I look at other women inappropriately?  I love God as shown by my obedience and my desire to live in a manner pleasing to Him.  Yet I do not always live in a manner pleasing to Him.

So in reality, and accuracy should I say, "I partly love you," or maybe, "I love you, but I will disappoint you"?

My demons won't go to church

I sometimes wonder if the Lord really cares as much as the Bible says.  He is not always as involved as I think He should be, and sometimes I even think I attend church as a habit or a social obligation.  Then there are days like today, when I leave church thinking, "I will mess this up sooner or later, but right now I know I have done the right thing.  It is well in my soul this instant.  I was in the presence of the Most High God."

I rue the knowledge that I will get home, sleep, wake up to work and school and annoyance and temptation and before the week, no the day is done all the 'imps' I lost on Sunday will be found hanging off my shoulders again trying to find a way into my head.  It is as if they knew I was going to church and they stayed at home to pounce on me as I leave for work.

That is why I trust in Him.  That is why Christ is my merit, my righteousness, my advocate and my champion.

The Things of Old

People talk about the 'good old days' as the present gets darker.  I remember the old days being pretty tough.  Very much like the present.  Maybe they are good now because we survived them.  We have a saying were I am from which I will loosely translate - you are good once you are dead.  No one talks smack at our funerals.  I attended one were the preacher was very honest and said even if someone stole chickens most of their adult life, when they die, everyone has nothing but praise for them.  Why is that?  The good days and things of old.


I watched Voltron again.  I watched it first when I was a child.  It was amazing then.  I am sure I was very upset on days I had to miss it for one reason or another.  As an aside, I know now there is magic involved, but I always wondered about the dimensions of Voltron, and how for instance the lions that form the arms became cylindrical all of a sudden.  But all that, fascinating as it may be is besides the point.  Watching Voltron now, I asked myself why I found it so great then.  The sounds of the lasers annoy me. The dialogue is predictable, the characters repeat themselves and each other a lot.  What are turbo thrusters? Why does he just stand there after they are turned on?  "Dynotherms connected! Infracells up!" What is all this stuff?  
The delivery is lacking, and that kills an already mediocre cliche story.


See, some things are never as good as the first time.  After time and context shift the shiny treasures of old are now, well - cheesy.  When life is rough I too try to recreate that old 'innocence' and the pacific place it existed.  Its all rubbish, because if one reads these musements, you will find that I am always surrounded by noise.  What innocence?  I was punished every other day, that is not a record of innocence.  The things of old are not always rediscovered treasures, sometimes they are just old cheese.  It just got harder and maybe less smelly.


Marginal utility will always decrease, the things that where will never be as they where the first time.  Voltron was amazing then, now he is just, "Ehh."