STOP! in the name of Love

OH the cheese! Sickening, absolutely blugh. I have never heard this song, it has been referred to many times. It makes sense, not in the way I think the song means; I am coming from the 'restraint in the name of love' perspective.

I need to talk to my wife, there is much I have to say to her. We have been married a year, it has been a good year I think. Challenging, I never wanted to marry the Bermuda Beach. I sought the North Sea. I am forced to look upon my self centered-ness for another's sake. I am compelled to live more each day, for my life is not about me anymore, it grows more into the 'we' being built in our little apartment.

The honeymoon stops after a year, I think because you come to a place were the real things have to come out. There have been few lies here. I have just put my best foot forward repeatedly, I can't hop about her 'til death do us part. In order to keep growing in trusting and loving, she needs to see the foot with the twisted ankle and gnarly toenails.
'She loves me though. It is not like she will run away'
I just do not see the conversation ending well. I pre-play and then replay such talks in my head. I have found no words that will bring about a good outcome, so I wait for something. In my mind I am protecting her from this unfavourable outcome. Yet, inside, I am sure keeping her from it does 'we' no good, for we barely talk about anything real. I can not wait for much longer. If the honeymoon ends here, I am convinced it must. The fiend must come out, the ass who has been peeking every now and again, but held back needs to be seen.

It is unfortunate those we love the most see our utter brokenness. Yes, it grows trust and love, being able to show scars and all, it just tends toward us holding these beloved, long suffering darlings for granted. What I mean is thinking/saying, "Now she knows I am a jerk I can let him all hang out."

I restrain myself from showing all of me. For loves sake. More honourably I hope to restrain my asinine traits for loves sake. So there...STOP...at least hold back. Life is messy enough.

My Secret

I am bored (by life) and boring. I hope no one ever finds out. It IS vanity, the whole thing. Now is nothing in comparison with eternity, yet now's actions determine eternity. Then without now is like winning a medal for a race you did not run. Now without then is running fast to nowhere. I say I look forward to eternity, yet I do not run the race to win, the winner is one who finishes, else there would only be one.

I find life vain and boring. Don't tell...

It's Stogie Season!

Ahh, it's almost smoke season. HA! As the flowers release their sweet scent to the crushing boot and shredding mower, I sit on my apartment block porch and fill the air with Honduran smoke.

I started the solo season today...I barely burnt an inch off half a JR! I do not like JR's. Why did I buy it? To answer that with a question, why is it the last in my humidor? Solo season is like watching an action blockbuster on a tiny screen, fun but could be a world better. Stogie smoking is a group activity. Lone smoking makes me pensive. As much as I like deep thought, I also like a break every now and again. My team...never mind.

I said I would quit after my humidor was empty. It is. Am I am man of my word? Or (some of) my words are smoke in the spring-summer breeze?

SCREAM!

In retrospect yesterday's strangeness lines up. I had a usual Sunday. Went to church even though I did not want to, enjoyed it more than I thought I would. (I never regret going). I left the crowd for my car and book, read while wifey finished her stuff. We went home and I 'rocked' Enya and cooked all day until we left and went to Uth.

I was asked my God-dream once. Teaching the Word was first. I have only always taught things I understood. With the Word, it is a little different. You teach not because you get it all. My favourite moments are when revelation comes during the teaching. With the Uth, I have them share too and I learn a lot from them. Their ride was late, so we had time to hang out. That is when I felt it - I needed to scream, I couldn't. I had something bugging me, I could not place my finger on it, so I ran the other way and settled in Goofy.

Ever feel the need to scream? What do you do? If I can, I let it out. I find the voice to carry it without irritating my vocal chords. If I can I go and run, play Need for Speed or watch something violent - Blade Trinity, Unleashed, Resident Evil...something... like that. If I am driving I honk when no one is close. Loooong and drawn out, like my pent up what-ever-is-eating-me. I resorted to that while we were driving home, I was still in Goofy because the alternative was...well, you will see but I needed the scream, I didn't want to share the why and stuff ( I usually do not. That should change). So I honked...and I was shut down!

I went the other way, got home, straight to sleep. The only way I have found to shut off my brain is with a sledgehammer. Instead of facing me, sometimes I run and hide.

Trusting Love

A fellow introvert asked how I got married, in a manner only a friend does, "How did you get married?" Like me he finds he has flaws and crazies best shared slowly except when clearing a room (or life) is the intention.

It is a pertinent issue in my personal relationships, and with God; it is impossible to love without trusting first, yet trust without love suffers the same fate - non existence. The two have to come together. The first steps of love are hilarious to recall. When you start to love and trust someone you sit across from them, yearning, aching even to touch them. Yet you know they (like you) have claws so you stay away. With time you draw closer and closer until the magical first contact. You slide from there and lose control of the claws in the fray - blood is drawn! Do you go on or go away? Do you trust or you love?

I think of myself as a snail - everything is instantly retractable, and after one scare it is increasingly difficult to coax me out, most people are not so patient. After there is love and trust built then there is a house fire - I do not rebuild on a whim; part of the reason to my lack of many and close friends is all the burnt houses I am/was unwilling to give another shot. I do rebuild, more timidly to start. Most people are not that patient, but once we get where we were used to I go along happily.

My wife and I talked about my trust issues. I had told her she has the most potential to eviscerate me. In order to love her I have to trust her enough to open more doors than I would with others, she will know intimate things, painful things, even shameful things about me. If she so desires she can expose them all! She can use my insecurities against me and surely leave me crippled. I can do the same to her. There is no loving us without taking that huge risk.

He says He loves us unconditionally, our spouses, families and friends are more conditional, but they love us to great lengths too. Unless we trust these expressions of love, we can never dive and soak in that love, we thus make every questionable act suspect of malice. Cannot trust until you know who loves you. Cannot love until you know to trust them. Is it a catch-22?

The reason I don't trust Your love is because I have a hard time grasping that You (or anyone) would love me. You and I know where and whom I have been. You and I know how unlovely I (still) am despite how far I have come. I do accept your love, and hope to loose my reservation so I can luxuriate in it. I don't trust their love because I know what they are capable of, I have the same 'talent'. Yes, I don't trust me too.

Do porcupines spoon?