Fast Car

I am contemplating buying a newer car. There is nothing wrong with the old one. I LOVE my Grand Viagra! It has been much more than I expected.

I had an opportunity to buy a Nissan Z (when I bought the Vitara,) I turned it down because I was sure I would kill myself on a mountain road. Yet here I am thinking of buying a roadster. I don't need it, I just want one. The more I think about it the more I want it. I have a picture of its relative on my computer. Whenever I drive I dream of shifting into 6th. I have got it bad.

I am always one to ask why, so why? Because I can, because I think I am able, because whenever I pray about it I think I think I hear God saying, "Challenge me, I dare you." Is it the voice of God, or is it the voice of my Lust impersonating God and speaking when I want God to? I do not know. I do know He has provided, and I am convinced He will continue to. Yes, I have issues to work out. I know He still looks with favour upon me, in spite of myself. God is to be the center of my life, I long for that so much. That all things about me would revolve about Him. Though I will not agonise over the colour of car, the type of car et cetera, I know I ask Him for a car and I acquire what He enables. I have learnt this about stuff. Now to apply it to everything else...

Picture me rolling...

The Boy and his Man

I enjoy watching and/or reading Bleach, the story of a teenage death god-substitute. I love (and long) for problems that can be solved with a sword. I have never held one, would not know the first thing to do with it. This desire can be boiled down to this: I wish I could punch out personifications of my vices. If instead of 'battling' Insidious Lies, he would be a dude who comes to bother me during my stogie break or something and I can go bankai on his jaw!

Like all good characters, the main player in this story has his (fighting) duality - an honourable warrior, and a bloodthirsty fiend. All this is contained in his hot tempered, but very likable exterior.

I have spoken some of my upbringing. I was an ever a little scared boy who never felt up to snuff. Everyday I awoke and hoped I would make it through without getting spanked or worse scolded or derided. It never happened; yes I went to bed happy but I missed this mark with flying colours. The Boy often slept in tears.

One fine day I left home and slowly cast that off, proved myself to be hardworking and good at the few things I put my hand to. Women told me I was handsome and fun. Men told me I was impressive and witty. I was intelligent, intriguing, wise sometimes and so much more. Now I walk with my spine straight, there may even be a slight swagger. The Man knows his place and it is a good one.

Every once in a while Life rears up and blasts the smirk off my face. I end up that little scared boy walking on eggshells. In the shadow of days like that both my lives from the other's perspective seem like a dream. And whoever I am at that moment can look at the other and laugh. I long to Man out and furiously lash at Life, but it is an immaterial collection of moments! I can not turn my wrath on the people in the room with me, that would not be fair...what do I do? I am left an affronted Boy and confident Man with nothing to confront but myself. So I pout, I sleep and hope to wake up to a better day. Usually takes two, but the world always gets back to normal.

The Boy returns to the quiet closet he loves, indulges in all forms of fantasy and fancy. The Man goes back to work and keeps a straight smiling face until bedtime. And Life goes on.

Ego drove me up a Mountain

I went camping. For the first time, I went real camping. In our late-night-round-the-fire talks; we determined there was a distinct difference between real camping and almost camping. We went real camping...

My brother and his girlfriend visited. While they were here we went hiking, overnight camping and hiked back. It was...an adventure. Firstly we started off late, so when we got on the mountain we were in quite a rush. We got on and started walking and walk we did. I have hiked before. Many times. I have done some long hikes too, never with a pack though. We went up Bald Ridge, a trail rated difficult. We made it slowly up and it was dark by the time we got to our planned campsite. We set up camp under torchlight and started a fire with sterile gauze, a pay stub, receipts and a tampon!

We sat down for dinner, talked a bit and started nodding off. The deer would not leave us alone, I get the impression they are so used to people they are part tame. I could not sleep! Oh how I tried, I love to sleep - the ground is uncomfortable sure but I could not sleep because every strange sound woke me up. When these strange sounds started the deer moved closer to the fire. I was sure they felt safer with us, so whatever was out there could have eaten me too - would you sleep?

I woke up every hour to feed the fire, make sure the carnivores stay away, keep me warm (oh I had a 'summer' sleeping bag and I was cold.) I would check the woods for non-deer eyes too and try to sleep. Never happened. I have never longed for sunrise sooo much.

Finally...the sun came up. I went and found more wood, fed the fire and tried to sleep but it did not come so I sat up and watched the deer that kept coming closer and closer. It was strange fun to have them so close. The rest of the party woke up, cleaned up and we started going down. We were tired, hungry, the plants stung and my throat was scratchy. But there was DQ to look forward to.

Four hours later we made it to the car, half an hour to DQ and then home. Aaah.

While hiking we asked why we did this, she liked doing stuff like that, he is ego driven, so am I. We do what we do so that people talk about us, call us crazy. I also do it for the challenge, for in this I am victorious, so many other battles I lose. I can run 15 miles, I can walk that long with a light pack...I wish all my battles were that manner of physical, I would win a few more.

Ego drove me up a mountain, and I made it back down. It was an adventure...I will do it again.