The Fear of Fire

Since the Tinman-episode, I have been slowly dealing with passion issues inside. Precisely its absence in my life. My wife does not like it, but it is all she has known me to be. I think I see in her eyes a desire for a less wet blanket. How does one play with fire?

My Bible hero David was a passionate man. He lived from his heart. That fire led him to plenty good and plenty evil. I am not condoning wickedness in the name of passion, but there is a little something that can be said for a pinch of carelessness.

I could pull off the shepherd stuff. I never enjoyed my chores. Yet when I did them, I was able to inject a level of whimsy that made them bearable. When observers noticed I was whistling, smiling or going on with myself they thought I enjoyed the task and so it came back to me. After a while I just got used to it and the task was mechanised. I could carry it out without an real effect on my affect. I can do the dirty lowly work.

I do not know delight though, David delighted in the Lord and in His Law. I cannot relate. The things I enjoy are a delight until I start doing them and notice how horrid I am at them, then I just want to stop. My victory is persisting. I am not an amazing athlete, but I long to be good at tennis, running and maybe play rugby again. I am pretty bad at my favourite video games, I love movies but I have watched so many I am too critical to enjoy most of them. I love to read, I do not remember much it seems, we can go on with writing, academics, public speaking, music, rock climbing. I think the thing I enjoy most with the least recoil is cooking, oh then there are dishes to be done. Yes, I am a tad perfectionist, still, how much can one enjoy something they do badly?

I do not go all out on anything, I can never follow through with love (or lust) the way David did with Bathsheba. I could never go to another man and say give me back my wife like he did Michal. I would be surely hard pressed to send word to Abigail. I could never get into worship, to dance before the Lord (and not before the church) I do not know what my 'all' in anything would look like. I keep a lot in reserve. All I touch turns to half baked, be it good or evil, and it does no one any good. That frustrates me the most. I am afraid of the fire. It is like my biking turns; too slow because I am afraid of falling; yet if I do not keep the bike gassed I will fall!

I want Your fire, yet I am afraid that it will burn. So do I really want fire or a picture of fire?

The Tinman email

For a long time I considered myself like the Tinman in The wizard of Oz - heartless. I have seen the evidence of this in that much of what I have done is done out of duty and propriety. Life is so very mechanical and robotic; standard responses to even the most searching questions. Telling people what I think they want to hear without lying. In a word; heartless.

Before I left work today, the Spirit impressed it upon me to go home and spend time in study and prayer. I was going to start a new study through Psalms. I read the Bible daily with my wife, but since the youth group 'died' my personal study has been more spotty than usual. It was easier when others depended upon me to study (duty and propriety.) I got home and instead of digging into the Psalms I listened to a teaching by Sandy Adams from one of the Calvary Chapel youth workers' conferences. He taught from 1 Sam 16:1-13, when Samuel went to Bethlehem to anoint David. The key point for me was that (according to Sandy) Saul's actions had outward motivators, in contrast David will ever be known as a man driven by his heart. In response to this I sat down to pray, asked the Lord to search my heart and tell me things I need to know. He brought up two things: my heart needs healing, and my heart is frozen in fear. I do not know when/where the hurt was, but He pointed out my need for healing and my unwillingness to ask even though He wants to heal me. I read Ezek 37, and felt the Lord saying as He spoke life into a valley of dry bones, He wants to revive my heart which I had reckoned dead, dried up, non-existent. I do not like stagnation, hence changing jobs, going back to school blah blah; the Lord pointed out my heart is stagnant from fear. This fear has resulted in me being closed up. I will not let people in, even people I know and love. I am not open to internal change, I have preferred to leave many things as they are. The few things that have changed were bad things, but there are good things that should get better. In fear I am unwilling to trust the Lord to effect change in my life. So I keep my old clothes, even though being the (prodigal's) Father he gave the command and a new robe has been brought out for me.

I hope this does not sound too weird. I know I heard from the Lord! For the first time in a long time too. And I decided to share it with you that you would pray for me specifically for the healing of my heart and the removal of fear. I have asked God over and over why my life is empty and vain. Now I think it is because He changed my heart when I gave my life to Him and I have since shut it down from hurt and fear. I knew I was heartless, I did not know why. In my lack of heart I felt 'inadequate' speaking life into the death, so I am asking you to help me pray that the Lord would do this work. I believe but help my unbelief.

Thanks. It is Ok to say nothing in response.