Loved and Lost

I tend to be a private person. There are thoughts, opinions and the like I keep to myself. I have enjoyed sharing such things here. When I do open up I reveal things to very few people, and to each I give a portion of me (so to speak), such that to get a full picture of me, a group of people who do not know each other, who are largely unconnected will have to find each other, sit down and share the bit they know. I don't know why.

I was speaking to a colleague at work about lost loves. They expressed that they have not gotten over their first love, this is someone who has been married (happily) for about 10 years. I wanted to laugh, not because it was funny, but because I could relate. I have never admitted before today that I am not over my first love. I wonder if it is the first lover's place to ever be on another's mind?

We met in college, on the first significant September 11th. We were familiar but had not spoken. On this solemn night we spoke and went out to buy gas. Though I am drastically different now, we were goofy together. We always played games, or rather made games of everything. She was competitive. In order to win she would change the rules. (Every woman I have ever loved changed the rules, actual and figurative). I am prone to drawn out crushes that go nowhere for fear of rejection. This would have been such a relationship, but we had our first fight which pushed me to express love for her. After 3 or so years, we broke up and fixed up and repeated several times until she finally settled for another, she strung me along until she was sure. That was her style, 3 years prior another guy was pulled along until she was definite about me. It hurt to find out. Love hurts, that was the repeat lesson. But...
she was the first to make me feel really important (drove 20 minutes just to get me a Happy Meal toy!)
I was grown up when with her, she tended to be childlike and it was a joy to witness and be part of
she made me laugh, oh how we laughed
she taught me compatibility is not necessarily similarity
I belonged, just because she was there, I belonged
she inspired me
"...you make me want to be a better man" (As Good as it Gets)
we made out, a lot, it was goood
she was fine breaking bounds
always down for doing crazy (at times cheesy) things
she too was almost deviant
she supported me during many dark dark days
she was the first woman I seriously wanted to marry and the first one I told
I am sure there is much much more.

What happened? We argued a lot, she was dissatisfied with us. My personal problems kept us on edge. Childlike carried some childish, so some of her desires I could not fulfil and still be a responsible adult. There is often a last blowout. Even though she later said all she wanted from me was an apology, my apology was not enough to fix the hurt. So she went her way with the other guy, they got married and are living. I went to another state, I could not be around her and still breathe. Every time I saw her, the pain came back, I wanted to beg and grovel. More than that I wanted to make her laugh and love me again. I left. I too am married (happily).

I still think of her. It is easier to breathe.