Vice

In the movie A Beautiful Mind, the main character, John Nash has been seeing people who were not there. He does not know it for the longest time. When he finally 'sees' he is quite shaken, he spends some time in a psych ward (I think), anyway it ruins his life, and it is a problem that does not go away. He works through it and wins a Nobel prize among other triumphs. At the end of this telling of his story, someone asks him if he still sees (absent) people. He admits that he does, but he states that he chooses to ignore them.

There is good and evil at work in everyone, I don't care who you are and what you believe. We are (normally) encouraged to do that which is good, but we are unfortunately inclined to firstly serve/please ourselves which tends toward doing evil. The fight begins. Paul the Apostle (of Christ) writes, (paraphrased, Letter to the Romans 7:18) "The good I want to do I do not do, rather the evil I want to refrain from is what I end up doing." I feel his pain, I want to add to that, "What is wrong with me?" It is the equivalent of trying to lift you hand and instead you shake your head! Ridiculous right? Yet, here we are, all mankind strives to do that which is right and we spend most of our time doing just the opposite. We are so defeated that we shifted the goals so that we can live with some semblance of normalcy, some feeling of victory or control. So in response to our wickedness it is fine to say things like, 'It is human nature,' 'That is just who I am,' 'Everyone is doing it' and so much more. Rarely do people earnestly admit their inherent wickedness. Despite proving ourselves wrong time and time again we still maintain that deep down we are good people. I am not a good person!

I accepted help in my struggles against my innate wickedness. And it is still a raging battle. One thing in particular I did (to quiet the baying dogs) I barely enjoyed; it left me feeling horrible as I strove with my guilt. I tried to convince myself it was human nature, remind myself how many other people were doing it too, it did not help. I still sought to be good but regularly proved otherwise and I could not stop trying to be good. When I said no, I could hold it for a few days at most. I became convinced of my pervasive wickedness. Others may say they are inherently good, I know now I am not. Help came, after many many mournful prayers over many years. I was finally able to say no and my no stood.

Here I am, months after the last feeding. They bark and howl everyday! But, like Nash I have decided (and been enabled) to turn away when my name is called. This does not make me a good person, a good person does not fight against evil, they are beyond it. It is we the wicked, that fight our demon-selves each and everyday. No I am not a good person, thank God I am able to ignore them sometimes.