The boat is in the Wilderness

I asked if I were Jonah on the wrong boat.  Things are terribly uncomfortable, yet I know they are in the Lord's control.  Like the (mature) child I long to be, I am trying to constantly say, "Daddy, I trust you."  But, like the scientist I am, I would like a formula.  Steps to take in order to get full yield from my trust, but like my old friend Scott Catron said, that would be witchcraft.

And so today of all days...a while ago I prayed for an artifact of the young days.  When the 'presence of the Lord' was marked by some physical reaction.  For me it is heart racing, I literally quiver and I am absolutely cold (adrenaline does the same only I stay warm). And He answered, but He answered today. I spent the day in the pigs trough. And today He answers that request and speaks to me and through me.  I am happy He did, do not get me wrong.  I am astounded by the daring of His Grace!  I am also confused by it.  Paul argued in Romans (5:18-6:4); there is an abundance of grace, enough to more than cover all our sin.  But, in case we then (like some) think if we sin more there will be more and more grace we are mistaken.  Just because we are partakers of that over abundant grace, our lives in sin are forfeit.  We are covered by that grace only after we have died (to sin) with Christ.  And so, (Romans 6:5-11) what dead body is laying about lusting, lying and living in disobedience?  None.  It is ludicrous to think and even make that example.  That is how ridiculous the idea of sin should be to me.  But it isn't, because evidently my high aspirations are constantly thwarted by my base nature.  Who will get me out of this bind?  Jesus Christ and that over abounding Grace (Romans 7:21-25). It reads like a contradiction doesn't it?

The same man goes on (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) to say how the Lord's strength is perfectly displayed only in the man's weakness.  And it seems to my eyes, when I am wallowing in sin, I am rudely reminded of my need for Him.  When I get over my shame I go back to Him and there is a closeness that confuses me.  I was raised in a home were kind words and the like were reserved for one who was pleasing.  So it is against all I know that even at such times He would still draw/be drawn to me.  My experience before my parents knew Christ was bad behaviour led to their displeasure which led to a (spanking and a) form of social distancing. Not so with the Lord, when I am weak, at my thinnest, His strength is shone perfectly through me.  See why one would think, "The more I sin the better the whole 'relationship' thing will be"?
Of note; I usually am only so thin in some guilt or shame.  I do not think the closeness I seek should always be under those conditions.

"Lord, I long to be more pleasing to you, yet still be drawing close to You.  I know it is possible.  Lead me there.  Teach me in this time to depend on you and help me to remain dependent on You until my last breath.  Grant that my weakness would cause You to shine through me, for the glory of Your name. Make my life your billboard."