Exerpt from an email to a friend...

Things with me are...confounding. I will tell you in an effort to sort through my thoughts. In advance I appreciate you being a 'willing' sounding board and would appreciate input: We have a guy teaching this January, a guy I am hoping the Lord would convince to stay. But...I see him rather helping me for a while and trying to mentor me. I see him permanently coming alongside to support us as a consultant or a coach - [which means] I would still have to be in the field playing. 

I currently serve out of duty: I am here, I am capable, and I love the people enough to do this for them. I am not sure if those reasons are enough to carry one through this very difficult job. In addition, in my last four sermons were things I have not applied to my life because I don't want to; because I like my freedoms too much because I am unwilling to die or to surrender all. I will gladly be in a coma or surrender most, dying seems too difficult.

Which makes me wonder, is our dying to the world and living in Christ a process or an instant? I think it is a process, I want it to be a process. If a process, then the question becomes am I dead enough to be a pastor - again serving out of duty. The few people I have told at work why I am so tired and what I do in my 'spare' time have been shocked. I cannot tell if it is a good shock - "I figured you were a believer I just did not realize you were so serious about the Lord!" or (like someone said to me in high school) "If you are a [pastor] then I have a really good chance to make it into heaven!" 

My dad said my shortcomings are God's business. I should focus on the task at hand. I agree, but the biggest distraction from the task at hand are my shortcomings. That about sums it up. I am currently ok with closing the doors, but I am quite sure it is not because the Lord commands it.

Thanks for checking in. I partly apologize for the loadout...Keep well, my friend. May the Lord bless you richly.