He always said I was lazy. Never could do well enough to meet his standards. So like the 'good' son, I decided, "Who am I to make him a liar? I will show him he is right." All the work I have done for him was out of obedience, maybe part of me wanted him to take those words back.
All the work I did since him was work I did for me, I was going to be the lazy success. When I think I overwork something (it happens!) I wonder if I am trying to disprove him.
At the end of the day, I am convinced I am lazy. He won, but I do not behave like a lazy person, I work hard, and get a lot done. My leisure is riddled with guilt; I am never sure if it is beneficial guilt or painful scars. He explained, it was to inspire me. I responded, it broke me. He replied it inspired others. I repeated it broke me. We circled that drain until I shrugged, oh well. I think I wanted an apology but knew I would never get it.
You do not hold on to hurts, or else they keep hurting. But at times we have held onto them so close they are all we have. It is so sad when you befriend pain, but Christ comes in and He will take that away too. Then He gives you the gall to forgive, the bravery to love in return and embrace the source of your pain. It's slow going, but all things that last are. Trees remain after the bushfire, the old trees, while grass, flowers and saplings die.
You did your best, I respect that and I will love you for it, for you and for Him. Father was right.
All the work I did since him was work I did for me, I was going to be the lazy success. When I think I overwork something (it happens!) I wonder if I am trying to disprove him.
At the end of the day, I am convinced I am lazy. He won, but I do not behave like a lazy person, I work hard, and get a lot done. My leisure is riddled with guilt; I am never sure if it is beneficial guilt or painful scars. He explained, it was to inspire me. I responded, it broke me. He replied it inspired others. I repeated it broke me. We circled that drain until I shrugged, oh well. I think I wanted an apology but knew I would never get it.
You do not hold on to hurts, or else they keep hurting. But at times we have held onto them so close they are all we have. It is so sad when you befriend pain, but Christ comes in and He will take that away too. Then He gives you the gall to forgive, the bravery to love in return and embrace the source of your pain. It's slow going, but all things that last are. Trees remain after the bushfire, the old trees, while grass, flowers and saplings die.
You did your best, I respect that and I will love you for it, for you and for Him. Father was right.
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