The Tinman email

For a long time I considered myself like the Tinman in The wizard of Oz - heartless. I have seen the evidence of this in that much of what I have done is done out of duty and propriety. Life is so very mechanical and robotic; standard responses to even the most searching questions. Telling people what I think they want to hear without lying. In a word; heartless.

Before I left work today, the Spirit impressed it upon me to go home and spend time in study and prayer. I was going to start a new study through Psalms. I read the Bible daily with my wife, but since the youth group 'died' my personal study has been more spotty than usual. It was easier when others depended upon me to study (duty and propriety.) I got home and instead of digging into the Psalms I listened to a teaching by Sandy Adams from one of the Calvary Chapel youth workers' conferences. He taught from 1 Sam 16:1-13, when Samuel went to Bethlehem to anoint David. The key point for me was that (according to Sandy) Saul's actions had outward motivators, in contrast David will ever be known as a man driven by his heart. In response to this I sat down to pray, asked the Lord to search my heart and tell me things I need to know. He brought up two things: my heart needs healing, and my heart is frozen in fear. I do not know when/where the hurt was, but He pointed out my need for healing and my unwillingness to ask even though He wants to heal me. I read Ezek 37, and felt the Lord saying as He spoke life into a valley of dry bones, He wants to revive my heart which I had reckoned dead, dried up, non-existent. I do not like stagnation, hence changing jobs, going back to school blah blah; the Lord pointed out my heart is stagnant from fear. This fear has resulted in me being closed up. I will not let people in, even people I know and love. I am not open to internal change, I have preferred to leave many things as they are. The few things that have changed were bad things, but there are good things that should get better. In fear I am unwilling to trust the Lord to effect change in my life. So I keep my old clothes, even though being the (prodigal's) Father he gave the command and a new robe has been brought out for me.

I hope this does not sound too weird. I know I heard from the Lord! For the first time in a long time too. And I decided to share it with you that you would pray for me specifically for the healing of my heart and the removal of fear. I have asked God over and over why my life is empty and vain. Now I think it is because He changed my heart when I gave my life to Him and I have since shut it down from hurt and fear. I knew I was heartless, I did not know why. In my lack of heart I felt 'inadequate' speaking life into the death, so I am asking you to help me pray that the Lord would do this work. I believe but help my unbelief.

Thanks. It is Ok to say nothing in response.