The Fear of Fire

Since the Tinman-episode, I have been slowly dealing with passion issues inside. Precisely its absence in my life. My wife does not like it, but it is all she has known me to be. I think I see in her eyes a desire for a less wet blanket. How does one play with fire?

My Bible hero David was a passionate man. He lived from his heart. That fire led him to plenty good and plenty evil. I am not condoning wickedness in the name of passion, but there is a little something that can be said for a pinch of carelessness.

I could pull off the shepherd stuff. I never enjoyed my chores. Yet when I did them, I was able to inject a level of whimsy that made them bearable. When observers noticed I was whistling, smiling or going on with myself they thought I enjoyed the task and so it came back to me. After a while I just got used to it and the task was mechanised. I could carry it out without an real effect on my affect. I can do the dirty lowly work.

I do not know delight though, David delighted in the Lord and in His Law. I cannot relate. The things I enjoy are a delight until I start doing them and notice how horrid I am at them, then I just want to stop. My victory is persisting. I am not an amazing athlete, but I long to be good at tennis, running and maybe play rugby again. I am pretty bad at my favourite video games, I love movies but I have watched so many I am too critical to enjoy most of them. I love to read, I do not remember much it seems, we can go on with writing, academics, public speaking, music, rock climbing. I think the thing I enjoy most with the least recoil is cooking, oh then there are dishes to be done. Yes, I am a tad perfectionist, still, how much can one enjoy something they do badly?

I do not go all out on anything, I can never follow through with love (or lust) the way David did with Bathsheba. I could never go to another man and say give me back my wife like he did Michal. I would be surely hard pressed to send word to Abigail. I could never get into worship, to dance before the Lord (and not before the church) I do not know what my 'all' in anything would look like. I keep a lot in reserve. All I touch turns to half baked, be it good or evil, and it does no one any good. That frustrates me the most. I am afraid of the fire. It is like my biking turns; too slow because I am afraid of falling; yet if I do not keep the bike gassed I will fall!

I want Your fire, yet I am afraid that it will burn. So do I really want fire or a picture of fire?