A fellow introvert asked how I got married, in a manner only a friend does, "How did you get married?" Like me he finds he has flaws and crazies best shared slowly except when clearing a room (or life) is the intention.
It is a pertinent issue in my personal relationships, and with God; it is impossible to love without trusting first, yet trust without love suffers the same fate - non existence. The two have to come together. The first steps of love are hilarious to recall. When you start to love and trust someone you sit across from them, yearning, aching even to touch them. Yet you know they (like you) have claws so you stay away. With time you draw closer and closer until the magical first contact. You slide from there and lose control of the claws in the fray - blood is drawn! Do you go on or go away? Do you trust or you love?
I think of myself as a snail - everything is instantly retractable, and after one scare it is increasingly difficult to coax me out, most people are not so patient. After there is love and trust built then there is a house fire - I do not rebuild on a whim; part of the reason to my lack of many and close friends is all the burnt houses I am/was unwilling to give another shot. I do rebuild, more timidly to start. Most people are not that patient, but once we get where we were used to I go along happily.
My wife and I talked about my trust issues. I had told her she has the most potential to eviscerate me. In order to love her I have to trust her enough to open more doors than I would with others, she will know intimate things, painful things, even shameful things about me. If she so desires she can expose them all! She can use my insecurities against me and surely leave me crippled. I can do the same to her. There is no loving us without taking that huge risk.
He says He loves us unconditionally, our spouses, families and friends are more conditional, but they love us to great lengths too. Unless we trust these expressions of love, we can never dive and soak in that love, we thus make every questionable act suspect of malice. Cannot trust until you know who loves you. Cannot love until you know to trust them. Is it a catch-22?
The reason I don't trust Your love is because I have a hard time grasping that You (or anyone) would love me. You and I know where and whom I have been. You and I know how unlovely I (still) am despite how far I have come. I do accept your love, and hope to loose my reservation so I can luxuriate in it. I don't trust their love because I know what they are capable of, I have the same 'talent'. Yes, I don't trust me too.
Do porcupines spoon?
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