Anticipation

People may seem comfortable with their lives, we even give an illusion of control when the reality is this; most of us live as if our world were in a toilet bowl in constant fear of the hand that is coming to flush our 'comfortable' little world away. I know I do; I am constantly braced for a crash that never comes.

I am on my way to a new job. Had I made a few choices different about a year or two ago and taken an offer I refused - I would have ended up right here. All the other variables are external, I am convinced I would be in the same spot. There is a level of comfort in that. I am walking the Path. No one can determine the true identity of the Path, it proves itself as you walk on it.

For a long time now, roughly seven years I have had this growing sensation. Named three to four years back it is a distinct foreboding, a state of emergency in response to an event either absent or moving so slowly in slow motion it is years away, an internal bracing for impact that still has not come. Since it tarries, one would think I would/should drop my guard and relax, maybe live a little but I can never shake off! It is very convincingly imminent. In a way it is (also) as if I am ready to pounce or be pounced upon. Sometimes it feels external, as if I am the target. Yet when describing it I always end with it being internal so that I am the one set to pounce. Think Wild Kingdom, just before the lion starts the chase, he is crouching in the grass, every muscle locked and loaded ready for dinner to look away and he is onto it, now hold that moment and add to it the sensation the prey is enjoying; it knows for sure something is about to happen so it does not move. It carefully watches every corner, waiting patiently for a tell tale sign of danger that it may decide to fight or fly, if fly then which way, but it can't quite make out the danger. Sum those two up and hold for seven years! Go it?

The few bumps I've had were less than I prepared for. The crashes were not what I braced for, and even then I have landed on my feet. So what is this, what do I do in response if anything? Is this my survival instinct? Or is it mild paranoia?

Go on, flush it I will be doused and washed away no matter how hard I brace. (And suddenly I feel like I am poking a wild beast with a stick...hmm.)