Total surrender to God

"The salvation of God is deliverance out of self entirely into union with Himself"
Chambers, O. (1986). My utmost for his highest: Selections for the year. Grand Rapids, MI: Oswald Chambers Publications; Marshall Pickering.

Why do I find it so difficult to surrender to you, Lord? Why do I struggle, why do I shy away from you whom I profess to love, you whom I have walked with for such a long time, you on whom I have depended in my darkest and brightest hours, why do I shudder against this one thing?

Have I not been surrendered to you up to now? Have I walked my own path only to call upon you at my convenience? Or have I been surrendered for a time, but then reclaimed my independence from your reign?

Why here, why now? Why would I refuse union with you? This makes no sense to me.