Forever

I attended 3 boarding schools between 5th grade and high school. As mentioned in prior musements I loved some and hated one. I am listening to a song on radio, on point with my plan for this note - uncanny. I love moments like this. In boarding school I lived with my parents' sacrifice in mind most of the time. They reminded me of it enough, every letter I read from them spoke of the financial strain my schooling was. I was told to work hard and do well. When I went home for weekends or holidays I heard (and saw) this more. I attended one school in particular where I ate better than I ever would at home, servants cleaned up after me, after lunch rest and more! Yet in all this, it was not home. I was there, I enjoyed it, but I did not belong and I knew it.

My recurrent reference to death has led some to label me suicidal, I am not. I am too scared to hurt myself. If I were to come up with a suicide plan, it will have to be foolproof - above that I have been told from a trusted source my death is not an individual event. It will hurt people I love, people I do not want to hurt anymore than I do or have done to this point.

I will live forever. My last breath will be as one waking from a dream - separate worlds, but alive in both. One more real than the other, but both valid and important. My knowledge of the next life and my desire to live it keeps me longing for its beginning. If there is no eternity, then what we do now is all important, but to no end. If there is nothing but darkness beyond, then why bother? If there is eternity, then our life now means less than we make it out to be. 80 next to a thousand is small, 80 next to a million is tiny, next to a thousand million is not worth mentioning, next to eternity... really why bother? Why should we go on?

This is when boarding school hit me; while at school my work prepared for my time at home. I worked hard to please my parents, if I had failed they would love me still, but would be displeased. We worked hard at school for our return home, that was our focus. When I cleaned toilets I thought to myself, "I do this in my mother's house out of love. I do it now because I am forced, once this term is done, I am going to my mother's house. She will hug me in the hallway to welcome me home. Just a little longer, I will not clean these hated toilets."

I hope I have not lost you. Boarding school is this life. It is not my favourite place because I know when this is done I will experience better. Home is Heaven, where I long to see my Father smile and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant, come in to my joy." If I slack in this life, my Father still loves me, still welcomes me home, but with nothing to show Him for it. I want more than anything to see Him smile.

I speak of and long for death because life stinks here. And so I will keep my eyes peeled for the next life. So that as long as I live this life I am striding towards victory now for later, for my Father's pleasure, and His gift forever.