Open!

There is a lot of stuff said about living life to the fullest and all that, I will succumb to my loathed cliche-ness and add my two drops to the ocean.

I first heard the statement when Angela Montenegro (a character from the TV show Bones) said, "...he lives his life wide open..." My first thought was arms wide open, like Creed (yes I like Creed!) and then my mind went on the related trail - open options, embracing chances and blah yada. Some days ago I thought of 'open throttle,' like when I borrowed my friend's Mustang once, to "open it up a little," the mechanic said. I drove 80mph for hours! Loved the accelerating bits, back on point: there is truth in both. Open options, I like. That I may decide for me who I am and discover why I am, mindful that I can always change my mind. Open throttle, I love. That I may go my way with the wind stroking each and every hair on my head and my lungs fighting the back pressure as I yell "WAHOO!" into the rushing torrent.

I played tennis with my brother and he critiqued my game, he said I need to follow through on my shots and I need to be less careful. My response was, "In tennis or the rest of my life?" He laughed. He agrees that I live tentatively, I don't enjoy it and I don't fully intend to. It is a normal state that I long to shrug off.

My parents were quite strict. I loved adventure, so I became adventurous in my own mousy way, and I got into a lot of trouble for lesser things than my peers, but trouble anyway. That would slow one down right? I was always the runt, at home, in my neighbourhood with my 'friends' (the guys who bullied me but let me play with them), and at school (boarding school too) so I think I learnt to be timid in an effort to stay off the radar. If I am quiet the bullies will not hear me, not pick on me or make fun of me.

When I felt daring I went for it, and many times I was humbled. So I stopped. I recall fighting a kid, breaking his teeth, and getting into a world of trouble. I got into another fight my parents never heard of and broke a bigger guys' teeth, but got my face busted up, was taunted until it healed because I 'lost' the fight (though I made a friend!) I played rugby well, but it was "too dangerous." I worked hard in school, but it was never good enough. I hung out with the nerds, but never brainy enough, not sporty enough for the jocks, not anything enough for anyone. Somewhere in there I adapted by not trying to be any one thing. I will be everything to anyone, and nothing to everyone.

My dissatisfaction is not that life itself is necessarily bland, I just do not taste it. I choose rather to hear from others what it tastes like so that I do not look bad when I alone sweat embarrassingly because I find it too spicy. No one tastes like I taste. No one!

It hurts me so that Christ promised "...life, and life in abundance..." John 10:10. Add it to the list of gifts I have not yet opened. If my life is 'abundance' then something is grossly amiss. I risk very little, shy from everything, try to do only that which I can make look good, maybe that every one may say, "Wow! How did you do that? You are soo cool!" Or my dad to pay his, "Good job kid!" debt. I want more than all that, to find the glitch in me, then fix it, "...'not by [my] might nor power, but my Spirit' says the Lord" Zechariah 4:6

"Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?" - Mary Oliver. Yes Mary I am, it is all I know to do.